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update... [16 Oct 2013|08:31pm]

Hey there....

So the last I posted I was 125 lbs, my lowest I got to was only 124. That was in Feb? Well I ended up losing consciousness again, and was forced into some shit recovery effort. I ended gaining so much weight, got up to 147! That was in August... now I'm 137 and am trying to get back to where I was. My next goal is my old low 124 then my goal is to get to 120.

I got a used elliptical for my living room and if I get some income tax back in the spring I plan on getting a better one. I am now working out an hour a day of just cardio, that seemed to work the last time. I'm back to eating 600-900 calories a day before calculating what I burn at the gym.

Well, if anyone's out there, I hope you're all okay. :)
Current pic...Collapse )Well this is what I've become. Thanks to the half assed recovery attempt. LOL just noticed that my dog is behind me, :)
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Well this place isn't so active anymore... [08 Feb 2013|09:47pm]

Is anyone watching and reading? I haven't been in this room in years. Just in case someone's still out there...

I'm obviously 5*3 and 125 lbs currently. I've never been in the 120's for this long before and I know the numbers don't sound very threatening but I'm getting a lot of shit from my mother and my boyfriend. The last ten pounds did go sort of quick, so I guess they're a little worried but I'm 29 now, and I'm not purging so they should happy about that.

Honestly, I would love to see what my body looks like underweight. But I know my boyfriend would leave me. I'm just getting over the flu right now so I haven't been at the gym, but normally I'm there 5-6 nights a week and I intake anywhere from 300-900 calories a day depending on how I feel and how much cardio I do that day.

I've been disordered for years, purged for 5 years and I'm in restrictive mode now. I got scared away from purging when my 6 year old son came home upset because someone called him fat. I'm hoping I'll stay scared... but we'll see.

I live such a dual life. The adult side works full time and raises these kids and pays the bills while balancing a boyfriend. The childish side wants everyone to pay attention to me and love me and I feel like screaming at them to notice me more! I'm fucked in the head.

I was in the hospital for a week last December for dehydration and the suicidal thoughts got me locked up in there, too. I lost consciencness while there, so now at home I keep an eye on my blood pressure. My hair is falling out, and my skin is dry and itchy. It actually really sucks. I'm no where near feeling thin and yet my body just hurts. My anxiety is at record heights. I wish I could just accept myself and love myself, but then again I'd rather die thin than live fat. I'm telling you, I'm so screwed up. My big thing now is, how can I get thinner, not get sick, AND hide all of it from my over protective boyfriend (who, by the way, is a total fucking hypocrit who is obsessed over his own body but gives ME shit?!)

Anyway... maybe someone's reading this, maybe not. It would be nice to see people posting again, though.

I have four kids, so that's why my stomach is all uglyCollapse )
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Help! [30 Dec 2012|11:24pm]


I could really use some advice from someone who knows a lot about laxatives! I don't take them myself and I don't plan to continue to take them, I just need to tomorrow morning because I'm so disgustingly bloated. I realise there's a few different types, and as I need to be unbloated by the evening, it seems that osmotics would be the best ones for me to take tomorrow morning as they only take up to 6 hours to work - is this right? And also how long will the laxative take effect for? I mean ideally I need it to wear off before I go out which will be around 6pm! Please help! Thanks

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Back again. [25 Mar 2012|04:29am]

[ mood | determined ]

Hey everybody, I'm not sure if anybody remembers me so I'll make sure to reintroduce myself. My name's Danielle and I'm 5'3, and unfortunately 118.8 pounds.. I know, I really let myself go. So, I'm back once again! I've been lurking for some time now, but the communities have really died down lately I've realized. Hmm, let's see. I've had anorexia and bulimia for about 5 1/2 years now, and I've tried to ignore that little voice in my head and try to live life like a normal person. But, all that's gotten me is fat and depressed. So, like I said I'm back! But this time I decided that I'm not going to post to the communities (fivefootthree or _almostperfect_) anymore, instead I'm just going to log everything in my own journal. But anybody is more than welcome to add me and follow me on my journey, the more encouragement the better! Especially when I'm feeling weak -.- I'm mostly going to be posting about my day, what I've eaten (if anything) or just let alone anything that's entered my mouth at all, and also my gym visits! Well, that's about all I have to say! Thanks for reading :) Stay strong everyone <3


Oh by the way, I'll be posting pictures of me frequently! Probably once or twice a week, so here's my first one! I know I look horrible, but it's just the start :D 

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Advice [23 Mar 2012|10:19am]

Recently I have gained weight and I have gotten up to 123lbs..

I need some advice and help on how to loose it, I used to be 110 and I look best at that weight.

I want to try to loose half the weight in the next month.. can it be done?
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mrah. [22 Oct 2011|08:33am]

i'm back, sound the trumpets.

this disease nearly destroyed me before, but i can't keep away.

here's to a two day fast that began nine hours ago.
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Question? [04 Aug 2011|02:00am]


Do any of you guys absolutely hate the way you feel after you eat? Because for me I get no satisfactory after eating, like at all. I don't even feel well eating, when I do. But it isn't guilt, it's more like discomfort. I don't know how to explain it, but does it happen to any of you guys? Hm, well I hope you all are doing well! Stay strong everybody, and I apologize for not being on and encouraging you all!

Xoxo, Danielle.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Weight loss reviews [27 Jul 2011|09:13pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I just stumbled across this review site. The Lipo 6 reviews I read on this page is actually really good, better than the ones I use to read. I like reading reviews about weight loss products because I have struggled with weight problems for years and there is actually some very good tips in reviews.

Here's the site, hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

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[24 Jul 2011|02:27pm]

Can't white out sorry I'm on phone. So I looked at my arm yesterday morning and I swear I could see the fat underneath the pale skin. Recovery can be a bitch at times lol
Also I looked at my bmi for my lw and hw today. Hw was 28.2 lw was 11.7 cw is around 14.4. I found I lost almost 100 lbs from hw to lw. Its quite a scary difference really. I'm just over 80lbs under my 160 hw (79lbs right now) lol xo

Ps has anyone heard about amy winehouse?

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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[21 Jul 2011|09:58pm]

Well this is my post about yesterday down the farm. It was pretty good again though tiring as I had to clean out the horses and ponies. The wheel barrow I used was heavy and I had to lug it about for ages. Talk about burning calories without working out haha. I worked up quite a sweat also and had to take my hoodie off. When I finished my nan and granddad picked me up nan told me she hope I hadn't worked my body too hard, I told her to shut up lol. I know she only cares because my body is still weak from the ed but I wish people wouldn't underestimate me. We then went down nans to do a jigsaw which I hope to finish today. Tomorrow I'm back down the farm but I'll have a different supervisor because sues off. I hope the person I have is nice and iv also got to sort out with toni if I can do any days next week which I hope I can. Then saturday I'm going shopping and to a market sunday. Ed wise I have a calorie intake this weekend of ten cals. Even though its small I always cry when it comes to added an extra ten a day every three weeks or so because I'm gaining as it is the past few weeks which is upsetting. I'm also not sure what to do to increase. I'm think an extra half a slice of ham in my soup. Any ideas? Also iv got my weigh in sat so I'll update about it saturday. My aunt thinks I might lose this time because of the farm work which is why in increasing. I think ill gain though I hope not. Also probably won't have those digital scales as I don't think my aunt has seen my mom to ask for them. Iv got nothing else to say though I'll be posting about the one thing that made me happiest this week as its friday. hope you're all well.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

edit - guys i need your help. so a friend i know from high school posted this one facebook a few nights back :
So I've set out on my journey to lose weight and I plan on being at least 7 - 8 stone by christmas
an argument then broke out between her and a male friend jack who thought 7 stone was a silly weight. he said hed damage her health and was fine as she is. i commented and back her up saying aim for 8 stone but do it healthily. i did this though as i know the male friend and hes been bugging me about recovery lately so i felt like he was taking a dig at me...

well tonight she messaged and the convo went like this:
Letitia Nadine AdamsHi ellie can i ask u something please? x x..

me :wha..

lettia Nadine AdamsYou knw when u lost all that weight did u make ur self sick ( and i dont mean it in a judgemental way) x x..

me :no. not rly..

PhoneLetitia Nadine AdamsOh well how did u do it and im only asking cus i wanna lose weight and i dont know how to..

me :not the way i did sorry hun...

PhoneLetitia Nadine AdamsDid u stop eating then . cus i eat a yoghurt and a piece of chocolate a day but i dont feel like im lossing weight tho :-(..

me: =S what u ate today?..

PhoneLetitia Nadine AdamsForget i asked x..

me :no please tell me..

PhoneLetitia Nadine AdamsA low fat yoghurt a piece of dark chocolate and some rice ...

me :you got to be carefull or youll do more harm that good..

PhoneLetitia Nadine AdamsWat do you mean?..

me : to you body, your going to end up ill..

she knows i had anorexia in high school as i had to have time off ill. what should i do? i feel bad she is doing this to herself and i cant stop her.... help?!
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I'm back:P [20 Jul 2011|03:15pm]

[ mood | calm ]

Um........I recently realized that ana was my personal demon.....she made me hate myself...she made me sick.....she made me depressed...but she also made me happii....how weird?
I tried to recover.... I really did......
But I can't do it..................I love being empty.... I don't care if that sounds sick........
And this isn't about being thin.
It's control..........control. control...........so what...maybe ana did start having control over me...but idgaf..........Im in control over the food.
While everything in life spirals around... I need something steady. somthing that is always there to comfort me......
Ugh. This is so messed up. But why don't I care?
Ana has been there in my life for five years........
I wish, honestly....that I could just forget about her and lead a "healthy" life.....but ahhh. My definition of healthy has been twisted and it's not the same as everyone else's. Im going to the doctor on monday about my bipolar disorder...maybe meds will help? :/
I'll keep everyone updated.
I hope everyone is doing great!! Message me if you have anything you wanna talk about!!!!(:

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[18 Jul 2011|09:59pm]

havent much to say once again but i thouht id update. the farm was actually really good surpisingly. when i got there i had to wait a while for the supervisor to turn up but once he did i was handed over to somone else to begin doing jobs. i got a pair of wellies because i went in trainers which wernt suitible (il have to buy some). there was also another work experience person with me today, his name was josh and he goes to the same college as me. he did the lower level course and next year will be starting the same course as me, as i begin the second year of it. anyway we first had to clean out the ducks and feed them, then do the same for the shetland pony. once i did this i was given a house pipe to fill up the duck pond while josh groomed the pony. he then let me do it, which was awsome though the pony almost kicked me lol because i went to brush under its tummy and i think i scared it. im not a huge fan as horses or ponys as i find them boring but it was still nice to groom it. i then had to put the hose away, which was hard as it was sooooo heavy and it gave me back ache. apart from that i wasnt as tired as i thought i would be and i didnt feel ill. i guess my body is begining to heal from the damage of the ED. i actually enjoyed it and it went quickly (i was only going to do it till 4pm but i liked it so much i stayed till half 4. i then went down my nan and grandads to do some more puzzle and that was my day. im back down the farm wednesday and friday this week but not next week as it fully booked. the week after though i should be going to the dairy farm instead to milk the cows =] oh and tomorow im going food shopping with my nan and grandad but thats all.
as far asmy ed goes im still finding it hard to think im gaining a tiny bit of weight every day but with your support i hope i can get through it. xox
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[17 Jul 2011|09:57pm]

so iv had a pretty bad day to be fair. it started out ok but then we went to the air muesum and found we had to pay to get in £10 a person. rip off! so we didnt go as my uncle didnt want to pay. we went to ironbridge instead, a town with a large bridge. its really pretty but the only problem was that it was raining...so we couldnt do anything. this meant i had a pretty boring day. i also felt bad as im dreading working at the farm tomorow, i was looking farward to it until my uncle said he didnt think id manage three days a week, as id get too tired. i know he was only concerned as my bodies weak from being underweight but it really knocked my self confidence. now im worried il feel ill doing the work and get all light headed and stuff. il also worried il be really cold, as the weathers been really bad and the work is outside =/. as well as this, the fact that i get bored when ever im not eating is getting to me. like il have my breakfast and then nothing until like 6pm of the night, where il cram all my daily food into a two hour period. that means as soon as iv finished my breakfast il be literally counting down the hours till my next meal. its pretty frustrating and boring as i just try to kill that time between my brekfast and dinner by going out and doing things. it doesnt help if i have to go out early and have to have my breakfast early either =/ oh well. the other thing that upset me was my weight going up but i know thats just the ED getting to me. i wish the gaining would stop though..but i know i have to eat and i enjoy eating most out of all my daily activities so im pretty stuffed lol...
so yeah i started crying while out but after talking to my aunt about all these things and after having a chat with her an my uncle i feel ok now =]
oh and btw, my aunts going to ask my mom for her digital scales for my weigh in, so hopefully it'll be more acurate next time around. thats all for now bye xx

ps- does anyone watch pychic sally? my aunts also going to ask my mom if she want to come with us so she can book tickets for us to see her live!! =]
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[11 Jul 2011|10:23pm]

a question to anyone else who is in recovey...do you get imsomnia? iv been getting it really badly for the past few nights. i think its partly due to the fact iv been thinking about gaining and food too much and partly because i keep going on lj to comment peoples post on my new blackberry phone late at night. anyway i was thinking about my 18th birthday and im thinking of getting a recovery tatoo...a tree going up my side ( like this > http://tattooshut.com/wp-content/gallery/flower-tattoos/danny-flower-tattoo-designs.jpg) or this > http://www.google.co.uk/search?um=1&hl=en&rls=com.microsoft%3Aen-gb&rlz=1I7MOOI_en&biw=1280&bih=513&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=tree+side+tatoo&oq=tree+side+tatoo&aq=f&aqi=&aql=undefined&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=170258l171431l0l5l5l0l0l0l2l502l1489l0. but in black and red. it'll be good as il be able to get it once iv not just ribs with skin over them, as this would hurt too much. xox i think im also going to get writing around it saying "stay strong" on one side and "you are beutiful " on the other. im also going to get recovery related quotes on my both wrists, though iv forgotten what they were as it was very late last night i thought the idea up. it'll help recovery for me i think as il have somthing to look farward too after all the hurt ad hard work to gain. it'll also be a reminder of me overcoming my ED for the rest of my life. i can look at it and be proud i survived anorexia =]
in other news i finished college early today as iv done all my work so i signed off early. i also re-enrolled for the courses year two and thats me done for the year. havent got to go in for 8 weeks, yay for lie ins lol. next week i start that farm placement on monday, wednesday and friday, wish me luck.then in 3 weeks i start my saturday job, money yay =P oh and i did go to the cinemas sunday to see tranformers with mom and dad. i have to admit, even though i dont like those types of films or robots, it was good and i had a good time. it also went surprisingly quick saying it was on for 2 hours. the special affects were also epic. friday im going early to see the new harry potter film with two college friends, hope it'll be good.
anyone else seeing it? anway im going to go comment on my friends page and check my emails bye take care <3
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[07 Jul 2011|02:40pm]

quick positive post...

even though i do moan about recovery a lot, especially about the gaining..it does have a few pro's =P:
- iv noticed how isolated i was having an eating disorder and being confusmed by it 24/7. now im starting to recover im getting closer to people at college and getting close to my family again. especially my mom, who i fell out with over the ED. im also more confident at college and talking to people more, making new friends.
-i have better concentration than before, as my mind isnt constantly on if im losing or gaining and the fat and sugar in foods ect. this means i can have better conversations with people, but can also get my college work done easier and faster. this means im ahead with my work =] also, eating more also helps with the concentration.
-it isnt tiring to walk now, and i can actually keep up with the pace that my friends walk at, instead of being left behind.
- im strong enough to open a food can with the can opener =]!
-my hair is thick and in better condition and i can now think of dyeing it.
- iv gone back to college now after having to drop out for a few months while very weak and at the beginning of my recover. i also enjoy it more now , as i dont feel so tired.
- my nan and grandads minds are at ease now im getting better and they are very proud of me.
-im able to smoke without being worried il faint.
-im starting a saturday job soon and volenteering down the farm. i hope il be strong enough now, but i certainly wasnt beforehand.
- i have energy to do simple things, such as go in the shower.
- i take better pride in my appearance.
- even though il only eat certain things , i enjoy food now!
-finally, i can control my bladder better now. i was suffering incontinence at my worst stage of anorexia, gross and tmi i know.

thanks for reading. if your recovering can you think of any for yourself?
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[04 Jul 2011|10:21pm]

had a pretty bad day to be honest. last night my uncle and aunt jumped on me about increasing my calorie intake...my uncle was really nasty and blunt about it, even though i asked my aunt not to tell him about increases as i know how nasty and stubborn he is with me about it. then this morning i dropped the salt shaker out of the kitchen cupboard and it broke =/. after that i got upset and told my aunt i wanted to talk about the increase and get it out of the way. when i got home we talked about it and i didnt want to do it...she told me she didnt think i wanted to recover and she also thought i wouldnt be able to work at that job down the farm because id get too exhausted and weak. talk about having faith in me =/. somtimes i do think i dont want to recover...as i hate gaining so much. if i could stay this weight i would =/ she also told me she hated how i always wanted things doing now but when it came to people wanting things from me i always made them wait. that made me feel really guilty :( she also said she didnt like the way me and my uncle argue and how i snap at him, even though hes vile to both me and her at times. he swears at her and calls her horrible things; does the same to me too then says hes "joking". if im honest i dont like him that much and try to avoid him at nights, which is why im going to bed after posting this. so yeah its his fault i snap at him. so anyways after this, talking about how i got into such a low weight and my feelings about weight and eating in general and much crying i agreeded to a small increase every 3 weeks. i dont think its the increase that gets to me so much as feeling like im being forced, as im always bullied and black mailed into it. anyway...after this it was ok and later i asked my aunt if she really thought i would be able to handle the farm. she said she thought i would if i carry on with this plan of small increases every 3 weeks. she says she just doesnt want me to exhaunst myself doing that and working of a saturday too...as she still says im ill. so basically i think she was just saying she didnt belive i would to get me to increase. oh well...at least i know where i stand with the cal increase. we have a date for the next one in three weeks, so no nasty suprises lol.

apart from that i went cinemas with mom and dad to watch pirates of the carabean 4. it was quite good and went very quickly. i also watched harry potter 6 when i got home, only got 7 part one to see now before i go to cims with my college mates in two weeks to watch the final one. xox
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[30 Jun 2011|03:41pm]

curently in college on the comp right now as i have no work to do, yay. not looking farward to tomorow, as i have an appointment with my ED doctor at cahms (is anyone with cahms btw?)my aunt and uncle will be accomaning me. so basically tomorow is going to suck and i have to go quite early, like 11am. after that im going shopping with my uncle for a new phone and going asda. then when i come back, i might go to see my nan and grandad, but it depends what mood im in. last time i went i got so upset, as the realisation of recovery and the overall weight gain really got me down and i cried for ages.

moving on, saturday im going down to volenteer at the pharmacy il be working at soon on saturday for a few hours with my mom. it should be good, as my mom always buys me somthing from the shop for helping her, such as nail polish. she doesnt mind either, as she gets discount for being an employee ;].

then sunday im going cinema with my mom and dad to see pirates of the carabean four, which will probs be good but really long lol. whats its like?? thats all really.

oh btw i might be going with my mates to watch harry potter 7.2 the day after we break up for college but i havent seen 6 or seven yet. so does anyone know where i can watch it for free online? any help would be appreciated. xox peace

edit - also am going to have my weigh in saturday again instead of sunday so it doesnt ruin my day with my mom and dad if i gain. xoxoh btw i might be going with my mates to watch harry potter 7.2 the day after we break up for college but i havent seen 6 or seven yet. so does anyone know where i can watch it for free online? any help would be appreciated. xox peace
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Oh hi :) [26 Jun 2011|12:04pm]
I am looking for some supportive pals while I try to lose weight this month. If anyone wants to trade inspirational quotes or anything like that via text please let me know, I can use all of the positive encouragement I can get & give :) We are all here for each other and that is awesome! Something to keep you guys inspired for the day, just imagine the number of people who have done this and succeeded. Every day there are millions of people stepping on the scale and actually meeting their goals. We can all be one of those people. Stay strong and stay positive :) <3!
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[24 Jun 2011|10:42pm]

dont really have much to report...finished my college week today. its gone suprisingly quick...only three more weeks and thats my first year done. to be fair its going good , as im gaining friends and confidence and am also doing well on work. i find it so much easier to engage in conversations with people now im in a better frame of mind and i feel people actually want me around. i only have one assigment left to do and i have three weeks, so im helping my friends with theres, sending them work and advising them ;]! im actually surprised i survived the first year..i think il buy a pack of expensive cigarettes to celebrate. i start my work placement down the farm then, once i tell the supervisor when im finished college so he can tell me what days im doing and my saturday job with my mom and aunt soon after. farm will be strange though lol, as il be milking cows some days xD.

weight wise....im deciding to weigh in saturday instead of sunday for just this week, as my aunt wants to go to an air meuseum early. that means not drinking so much squash friday night as im very consciess of water weight gain. i dont want to get upset like last week and end up not going. im not looking farward to the weigh in though... as i think iv gained and if i gain one more pound its the dreaded stone more than my low weight. il also probably have to increase my cals again next week thanks to my aunt...sigh.

anyway...tomorow im going for my hair cut at 2pm and am going to ask about having my hair coloured next time. i want it either purple or red at the bottom of my hair or in streak form. bet it'll cost a bomb to colour =/ after that im going shopping with my uncle down asda to get some soup, meals, squash and crackers, then down my nan and grandads to do some drawing and a jigsaw puzzle. saturday im voleenteering down my moms work again at the pharmacy to gain somemore experience for when i do start and sunday im at cosfords air museum.

how are you all? xox
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:) [14 Jun 2011|06:25am]

Starting the day off with a cup of hot peppermint tea (appetite suppressant) with one bag of stevia (sugar with less than 1 calorie and has fiber!) I'm going to make it a good day. :) planning on walking for a couple hours, going into town to buy a cleanse and coming home to workout and tan. I'm going to be strong today, I can do it. :) hope you all are doing well!  <3 Danielle. 
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